Am I alone? Or am I just dreaming

Hey guys,

My brain has been spinning around lately. So much things to think about and yet here I am updating my blog. Perhaps this is just the way for me to feel perfectly sane. I almost lost it few months ago and years ago but something always tend to bring me back.

Its like a small switch that I prefer to press and resets off my mind so I can begin peacefully again

But nowadays the reset button is getting harder and harder to push. Each press is starting cost more and more....

Or maybe I'm just meant to be who I am?

Let my problems define what I should really know. My weakness. My strength. And know when I should probably march into victory, or hand over the leadership to another person.

I think I'm just hurting myself because I tend to do things that I know will hurt me later on. Somehow I just can't do that.

Maybe let's say I want to get close to my class mates and even be close friends. It just doesn't happen like that. Sure I can be your friend and class mate but it won't be the same if you have someone that is really close to you spending most of their time hanging out with you.

This is the one thing I really miss most when I was back doing my A lvls.

But look at me now. Barely holding on to the strings of the class. Only to be passed down a rope whenever an assignment or assessment is handed down. When students are grouped together and forced to work together. Once the work is over, the group disbands and studies go on.

Friends were much more considerate back then. I can't really complain and who am I to talk alot? We're not even on the same age, timeline. Of course we should be different? Yes?

I don't think so. I want to make this work so badly but I keep getting a big no-no to my face. Regardless being talked and advised by the lecturer themselves. They still end up doing the same thing over and over again. If the lecturers can't do anything, what can I do?...

Nothing.

Nothing At All.

I would have to continue this without social contact and only during grouping I would be myself again. Other times, No matter how you see me, No matter how brightly I smile.

I just wanna cry over and over again.

I find that I can simply understand people more then people can understand me. Or am I just too ignorant to acknowledge those who really know me?

I'm seriously having some problem with my head thinking about it. Or I should just stop brain dead thinking and never ever think about it again, ignoring all problems?